I’m not sure what I was expecting. I know what I was hoping for – warm waves of pure pain-killing bliss that would wash over me, taking me away to that special place. So, I waited.
And then waited some more.
I remember being pissed. Forty bucks and an hour of my life later and not a fucking thing. Not even a distant twinge of euphoria.
But then something pretty fucked up happened – I got a hard-on. Not just a whatever erection, but a hard-ass, thick-as-steel hard-on. And I was suddenly horny as fuck. WTH? I glanced down and my dick was pressed into my thigh, straining against the thin fabric of my shorts. Where did this come from? So Kratom is a horny pill, not a pain pill? I slowly ran my hand over my underwear and down the length of my shaft – the feeling was electric, and I could feel my balls tighten. Everything in my body was focused between my legs, I was so fucking hot, I thought I was going to explode right there in my boxers.
Fuck this, I thought. I’m way too angry to jerk off right now.
I bought a stupid sex pill. Back pain (so I kept telling myself) was the problem, not getting off. I got up and started yelling at my boner to get lost and exclaiming aloud the horrible torments I would enact upon Old Lady Kratom for selling me a jerk off aid. No wonder she kept grinning at me, the freak.
But wait…something was going on (other than the rager). I was pissed as all hell, yes, but I was suddenly “okay” with that. I was even laughing as I described in detail my evil plan for Old Lady Kratom – not in a Bond villain way, but in an absolute pure expression of joy. Holy shit – the Kratom was doing it’s job after all. It’s hard to put into the right words how that first small “hit” felt. It wasn’t this huge rush that you get with oxycodone, it was more like a subtle sense of things not being as bad as they seemed. That sure, you just spent forty bucks on a dick pill, but fuck it, it’s just okay, and maybe everything else is okay and I’m okay, etc. I didn’t take more K – although I was tempted. I wanted to savor every second and not take too much and do something stupid like go to sleep. It was time to clean the house, fold the laundry, vacuum the dog and take the rug for a walk. There were 3 dishes in the sink – must tidy that up right now, can’t look like a bunch of heathens live here! Oh, and the car could use a bit of a wash, too – that won’t take long and it will look niceeeeeee!
Damn. This shit works.
I couldn’t believe it. How in the hell was this stuff legal? You can’t even buy allergy medicine over the counter anymore and yet here’s a safe, all-natural plant that takes pain away and makes you feel like a fucking boss? How have I not heard of you before? Where have you been all my anxiety-ridden, painful life? This can’t be real.
There has to be a catch…